Growing up we learned to respect the boundaries set by our parents and other adults in our life, and indeed, as a parent you hear a lot about how children need boundaries in order to feel secure.
I wonder though, why were most of us never taught how to set and respect our OWN boundaries as kids? If you think about it, all humans are intrinsically aware of their boundaries from birth. Take a baby for instance - as soon as it is emotionally or physically uncomfortable, it cries out. As we grow into childhood and beyond, somehow that ‘boundary language’ gets forgotten and no one reminds us that it is there or how important it is to practice it and speak it.
The result is that we grow into adulthood confused about what our boundaries actually are and how to enforce them in a healthy way without feeling guilty. To add to the confusion, we are always reminded (and I am sure most of us strive) to lead with kindness, and the struggle intensifies.
So here are the 5 Things You Should Know About Boundaries vs. Kindness:
1. Boundaries are vital to personal integrity & wellbeing.
Integrity is a “state of being whole and undivided”. Without boundaries, our sense of wholeness is threatened, and the outline of our identity becomes blurry. This leads to confusion and second-guessing; our gut might raise the alert with red flags, alarm bells, and even full-blown sirens, but unless we are aware of our integrity, we have no clue about how to defend it and battles ensues. And here starts that vicious cycle of self-doubt; its cracks allowing anxiety, insecurity, and even depression to creep in. It is exhausting.
2. “Lead with kindness” is misleading.
There have been so many occasions in my life that I have found myself in a sticky situation, yet found it very hard to extract myself from it. Thinking about it in hindsight isn’t pleasant, but at least now I can see and understand it clearly: in my attempt to be kind towards others, and oblivious to my own boundaries, I completely neglected to be kind towards myself. Such compromised quiddity can be wholly damaging to one self, but also to relationships with others.
Boundaries are critical in our ability to forge healthy relationships, whether personal or professional, and their presence facilitates in identifying problematic situations but also in resolving them in a way doesn’t blur our identity’s outline.
Lead with kindness, yes, but with a caveat: towards yourself first.
3. Honouring your boundaries doesn’t make you impertinent
Some people feel that having boundaries and upholding them may feel offensive to those around you. In reality though, the boundaries we set for ourselves have nothing to do with anyone else, and everything to do with us. They are an extension, a representation even, of how we view ourselves and how committed we are to our truth and identity. Only from a healthy such baseline can we go on to form and hold healthy relationships with others.
Which brings me to:
4. Boundaries are actually an extension of kindness
Not only are boundaries not the opposite of kindness, they are actually an extension of it. If you think about it, how can you truly and consistently be kind to other people if you cannot show that same kindness to the one person that matters the most to your identity and existence? On the contrary, by respecting your own boundaries you allow other people to experience the best, most authentic version of yourself and that’s where kindness begins.
And finally,
5. It takes practice
Identifying your boundaries and honouring them takes practice, especially if it this doesn’t come naturally to you and you need to break life-long habits. Same goes for practicing kindness towards yourself.
It may take some soul-searching to identify what feels right for you, but once you do, take some time to remind yourself daily. Notice how it feels and the change it brings in how you see yourself and others. Saying “no” might not always come easy, but we have to remember it is a full sentence, and we need to practice using it diligently if we are to reach our full potential and live life fully as our most authentic self.
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