Grief is a fundamental part of the human existence and can be an overwhelming journey, yet we don't talk about it enough. This comprehensive guide provides insights, practical tips and advice on grief and how to navigate the grieving process.
The other day, while I was driving, I was thinking about one of my previous articles - 13 Rules For Raising Teenage Daughters, which of course led me to think about my own daughter. And I was suddenly overcome with such a profound feeling of sadness that I had to stop everything else going in my head and pay attention to this particular feeling. Why was I feeling so heavy in that moment? What was this sadness about? Both my kids are thankfully healthy and happy, yet in that moment I was feeling…sad.
The more I thought about it, the more I realised that what I was feeling was grief. Why grief though? And then it dawned on me - writing about raising teenage daughters had brought me face to face with the unchanging reality that my little girl isn’t so little any more.
And while she still is, and always will be my little girl, she is also growing into a young woman with more and more independence, both physical and emotional. And there it was - the culprit of this unwelcome and sudden sadness. The crux of it is that I am not the centre of her world anymore. Which, really, is how it should be, and what we want as mothers for our children - for them to grow into emotionally healthy and independent adults. So, while on the one hand it is “yay, we’re going in the right direction, well done mama”, it is also “f*%&, that hurts”. It is not easy to admit, but I am not one to hide from my feelings either, so.. ouch.
In that moment I was grieving for the loss of something very significant in my life for the past 12 years. It is big, and all mothers feel it, but we don’t always have the words for it, don’t know how to express it, what to do with that feeling or even if it is acceptable to voice it.
All of which got me thinking about grief in general, and how much it is interlaced with our life yet no one talks about nearly as much. Some of us come face to face with grief for the first time very early in our childhoods with a loss of a beloved pet, or a much-loved grand parent. My kids experienced it when their father and I got divorced, and I will always have to live with that - while it was hands-down the right decision, it also had a seismical effect on our children and their emotional world.
Grief comes in so many shapes and sizes, and it is such a fundamental part of the human existence, yet most of us still don’t recognise it straight away, let alone know how to deal with it.
What is it about grief that makes us so uncomfortable? Why isn’t it talked about more openly? How to we equip ourselves and our children in such a way that we can all cope and heal in a healthy way?
So, What Is Grief?
Grief, essentially, is a natural response to loss. While mostly associated with death of a loved one, grief can occur over the loss of anything that is meaningful to us. This can be the end of a marriage, a relationship, or even a period of our lives that signified something different and that has now come to an end. Grief can follow the loss of a job, the time when kids leave home, or when kids are turning into teenagers and are not so little anymore!
"There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief."
- Aeschylus
Grief can also occur after dealing with severe health problems or major surgery as so happened to me - I suffer from Crohn’s disease and have had 3 major surgeries, each time having a part of my small intestine removed. Each time following an operation I inevitably went through a period of what I refer to as “the darkness” which, through therapy, I have now come to recognise as grief. Grief for losing yet another part of me so crucial to my survival.
Does Grief Change You?
To put it simply, YES. Oh, yes. It can rip right through you and change you forever. It affects your feelings and your thoughts about life and yourself. Memories take on a new meaning, and reality has to be reformed to accommodate for your loss. Sometimes it feels like a constant void, others like a background noise that you can’t get rid of. Grief tends to walk by your side though life, a constant companion, louder in some moments and quieter in others.
What may come as surprise is that grief doesn’t just change you emotionally - it can also affect you physically, as grief has been shown to rewire the brain. A 2014 study published in JAMA (Journal of American Medical Association), found that people over the age of 60 showed more than twice the risk of a stroke or heart attack within 30 days of a partner’s death, compared to peers than hadn’t experienced the same loss.
According to the American Heart Association, this comes down to how grief reinforces “brain wiring that effectively locks the brain in a permanent stress response”. Understanding this can help form our healing process.
How To Cope With Grief - 7 Things To Get You Through
1. Allow yourself to feel
If there is one thing I’ve learned the hard way it is that you have to sit with grief and allow yourself to feel it, and all that it brings. Sadness, anger, confusion - all of it. It can be scary and overwhelming, but trying to hide from it is never going to work. You cannot outrun grief, and you cannot get over it. You simply have to go through it. It’s the only way.
2. Be kind to yourself
During some of our darkest moments it can be hard to look after yourself, but it’s probably one of the most important things you can do. Don’t place too many expectations on yourself; instead show yourself the compassion you would to someone else in your position. And make a conscious effort to engage in one simple self-care activity every day.
Read this article for simple, easy ways to practice self-care.
3. Don’t isolate yourself
Spending time alone might well be what you need at certain moments, but make a point not to isolate yourself just because you feel you ‘have to’. There are people around you that want to be there for you but don’t know how.
4. Give yourself time
Time might not heal all wounds, but it certainly helps. There is not timeframe on grieving, and there is no “too little” or “too much”. It is different for everyone, and you have to allow yourself to take as long, or as little, as you need. If you make sure you are looking after yourself and doing all the above, eventually your grief will change shape and become something you are okay with.
5. Find ways to express your grief
Grief sits heavy on the mind and body, and can feel impenetrable. But it is important to find ways to shift that weight, and make it more bearable. Journalling, meditating, dancing, singing, and even screaming if you need, will all help. Bottling it all up is not the way to go. Sometimes you have to let loose and let it all out.
6. Seek help
Don’t be afraid or ashamed to seek professional help if it all becomes too much. In my experience, talking therapy can be immensely helpful to work through something so meaningful and defining.
7. Read
I am a huge advocate for reading relatable books. That have helped me personally, and in a world that sometimes lacks the literacy and language to deal with grief, books can provide so much solace, advice and guidance.
These books are some of the best books to help deal with grief.
What to do with the void
While grief can turn your life upside down and break you down, it also comes with an opportunity to look within - to learn more about yourself, to grow, to re-define. Don't be afraid to explore possibilities that might come your way that you may have otherwise ignored, or to acknowledge parts of you that you didn't realise were there and may need some care and attention.
This may also be a time where you decide to go after a secret passion project - painting, writing, gardening, crocheting, you name it - something you've always wanted to do but shied away from. In some ways a perfect distraction when you need it, but in other also something new that will feed your soul, heart and mind with peaceful and loving feelings that may feel absent otherwise in this moment in time. Let grief be the fuel that guides you through beautiful and creative parts of yourself.
There is no doubt that grief can feel heart-wrenching and overwhelming, looming over you and taking over everything one day, or feeling threatening in the background on others.
The key, what will make the biggest difference of all, is accepting it instead of denying it; sitting with it, instead of pushing it away; working with it, instead of against it. Allow yourself time and space to heal and remember that there are always better days ahead.
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