Since 5 Things You Need To Know About Boundaries vs Kindness was published last week, I’ve received quite a few questions on boundaries - it seems to be something a lot of us struggle to achieve in day-to-day life.
So, I’m back to go into more detail and provide some answers on the questions that I’ve been asked the most.
1. How do you define boundaries?
Boundaries are what separates one person from another - they can primarily be physical, emotional, or mental.
Physical:
These can be influenced by culture, social context and the type of relationship involved. We are all more or less aware of our physical boundary and personal space, and have different thresholds for different people in our lives. If someone invades our personal space unwarranted, we feel uncomfortable.
Emotional:
Most of us seem to struggle with how to acknowledge and protect our emotional boundaries, which determine how emotionally available we make ourselves for others. No matter how tired or stressed we might be feeling, we still have a hard time drawing a line at how much we can offer.
Mental:
Another hard one for many people are mental boundaries, which relate to our own thoughts, values and opinions. Often we find ourselves agreeing just to please or avoid conflict, even if it doesn’t instinctively feel right. It’s important to our personal integrity - the boundary that defines our identity - to be able to hold on to what feels right to us without guilt or shame.
Beyond the physical, emotional and mental boundaries, there are others to be aware of such as (a) time boundaries - how much of our time we give out to others, and (b) internal boundaries, which define how we self-regulate.
2. How do you set boundaries?
Setting healthy boundaries requires clarity and self-awareness in terms of needs and wants. Once those are established, the following 5 steps will help you achieve it:
1. Define your limits - what contributes to your wellbeing vs what works against it.
2. Communicate - let people close to you know what those boundaries are.
3. Don’t over-explain - there is no need, so keep it simple.
4. Don’t be afraid to say ‘no’ when you need to reinforce the boundaries you have set.
5. Be ready for pushback - it can be hard for the people around you to accept this change, but stick to your guns, and respectfully remind them that this is for your wellbeing.
3. What are the advantages of setting boundaries?
Setting healthy boundaries can be life-changing, not only in the way that it affects our relationships with other people, but also the relationship with have with ourself.
Some of the benefits of healthy boundaries are:
Improved mental health - boundaries are an important aspect of self-care and help in your healing journey.
Enhanced emotional health - boundaries can draw lines at how people treat you, so you don’t end up feeling resentful, insecure or taken advantage of.
Avoidance of burnout - by looking after yourself, you make sure you don’t end up depleted.
Sense of identity - setting boundaries and prioritising your needs encourages you to stay true to yourself.
Independence replaces co-dependence - while you may have strong connections with others, you realise you are separate from them which leads to self-confidence and independence.
Changes in other people’s behaviour - change in you how treat yourself can lead to changes in how people around you behave.
4. Examples of healthy boundaries
Boundaries can differ from person to person, depending on personality, temperament, needs and desires.
Some examples of what healthy boundaries look like:
Saying ‘no’ to anything you don’t want to do without feeling guilty.
Not feeling you always have to be available to everyone.
Making your expectations clear instead of assuming others can just guess.
Owning and honestly expressing your feelings.
Prioritising self-care and personal time.
Understanding that you cannot fix others.
Realising that you are responsible for your own happiness.
Changes in life-long patterns doesn't happen overnight, but with awareness and conscious, consistent practice, anything is possible!
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