Parenting a teenage daughter can be overwhelming at times, but it doesn't have to be! These 13 rules will help you build a strong relationship with your daughter and guide her through this period of development. Because let’s face it - we do love our daughters more than life, even when they drive us absolutely bananas.
I pick up my daughter from school, she gets in the car with a quick “hi, mom” and then silence. Her head is turned away from me, looking out the window. Wait. No chatter? No full run-down of the day? No… hug? Ouch. I’ve got all these questions I want to ask, all these things I want to talk about it, I've been looking forward to this moment all day. Anti-climax or what? You bet ya. Hard to keep my mouth shut? Yup. Do I have to? Oh, yes.
Julianna Miner pretty much covers it:
You thought the terrible 2s were tough? If you’ve got a teenage daughter in the house, I bet that time in your life might seem like a breeze right about now. As moms, it can be heartbreaking for us to watch our baby girls go from chatty, happy-go-lucky kids to them shutting us out. You thought you had it all figured out, and here you are now, with a teen daughter changing things up again, testing you every day, on every little thing possible. As rewarding as parenting is, right now there are times that it’s just not that much… fun.
So, if you are struggling to get your head around this new chapter of parenting, I’ve got you covered. These 13 rules will guide you through the battle - yes, it is a battle at times! - and you and your daughter will both come out of it victorious. That’s the ultimate win; a 'win-win'. For, to be successful in this ‘endeavour’, both us and our daughters need to come through this phase feeling settled, strong & happy. And while our daughters are discovering who they are and want to be as they grow into adults, let us also look inward and work out the same for ourselves.
But first, some science
Recent research has confirmed that, unlike adults, teens process information with their amygdala, which is the part of the brain responsible for our emotions. Whereas adults use their prefrontal cortex, which is the brain's rational part that helps make decisions with good judgement, teenagers don't. We now know that this part of the brain isn't fully developed until about age 25 or so.
It helps to remember that when you are struggling to understand what your teenager was thinking! And it will help when reading the rules below.
13 Rules For Raising Teenage Daughters
Rule #1 - Don't Engage
When your daughter is having a 'moment' and is giving you attitude for absolutely no reason - know what I'm talking about? yes, that - DO NOT ENGAGE! 9 times out of 10, it will be over soon and it was probably nothing. And for the few times that it is something, wait it out and she will come to you when she is out of 'that' zone and ready to talk properly.
Rule #2 - It's not about you
It is almost certainly, almost always, NOT about you. This is all about her, how she is feeling, what she is thinking, so don't take things personally. My friend Jen, whose eldest daughter is 18, is constantly reminding me of this when she hears me fretting.
Rule #3 - Listen more, try to fix less
First of all, we can't fix everything even if we really want to. It can be hard watching your daughter go through stuff, but sometimes all they need is for us to really listen.
I find that asking my daughter "do you want me to just listen, or do you want my advice" helps, as it gives her the space to express what she needs in that moment, before I jump in - which I usually do, and it is usually in the wrong way! Helping them feel emotionally safe is what will also make them come to us and open up when they really need to.
Rule #4 - Newsflash: You are not cool
Gone are the days they thought you were the coolest mom on the planet. Remember those? Yes, well, now you are not. Far from it. You can try, as long as you know that no matter what you do, it will have the opposite effect!
Rule #5 - Don't nag her too much
Messy room and stuff everywhere driving you nuts? Same here. Tell her once, twice, but at some point you just have to close her bedroom door, and let your daughter be in her own space, messy or not. Constant nagging can cause friction, and no one wants any more of that!
Rule #6 - Boundaries
Remember how you needed to set boundaries for your toddler? Well now you need to set clear boundaries for your teenager. Your teenager's mission is to push boundaries to the limit, to test them and test you. Setting clear boundaries - and sticking to them - provides teens with much-needed security, even if they will never admit it.
Rule #7 - Trust your gut
Raising teenagers is a learning curve, and as mothers we will learn more that we thought we needed to. We don't have it all figured it out, and it's okay, as long as we are willing to learn and evolve as our daughters do. But there will be times where you will have to trust your gut and stick to your guns, no matter what. When your gut feeling is strong on a certain matter, don't doubt and second-guess yourself. Stick with it.
Rule #8 - Have a sense of humour
Just like Kyle Ocasio. It helps.
Rule #9 - Allow for flexibility
Flexibility is key - just because you initially decided one way, doesn't mean it has to be set in stone. If, on second thought, your daughter asking for more screen time "just this once'" isn't the end of the world, then allow yourself the flexibility to change your decision. Learn to compromise and pick your battles.
Allow your daughter flexibility as well. Let her have the last word in an argument sometimes. Don't give up on your expectations or requirements but allow her to say that one last sassy little thing without taking the bait. She's heard you alright, but at the same time is trying to save her dignity and express her dislike at the situation.
Rule #10 - Trust her
There will come a time when you will be tempted to remind her every single thing you taught her about making good judgement calls - don't walk home alone in the dark, don't do drugs, don't get in a car with someone who's had even half a drink, wear sunblock, wear your seatbelt... And when that times comes you are going to have to keep your mouth shut and trust that she has been listening to everything you've been telling her all these years. Allow her to show you in her own way.
Rule #11 - Let her make her own mistakes
You may want to jump in and prevent your daughter from having her heart broken, but there are times where you are going to have to sit tight mama. As hard as it is, we can't protect them from everything. Some things they just have to experience for themselves as a way of growing up, figuring out what works for them or not, and learning about life.
Rule #12 - Remind her that you love her
No matter what.
Rule #13 - She will always be your little girl
She may pretend that she isn't, you may find it hard to believe when she is fuming and angry at you, but she will always be your little girl alongside the beautiful young woman she is growing up to be.
Those are my 13 Rules for Raising Teenage Daughters. If I discover more along the way, I'll let you know.
What would you add? Let us know of yours in the comments below!
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